Intimacy in Marriage: Keep Your Flame Burning

  The topic of sex vs. intimacy is a 'HOT' one right now in our generation, especially with the release of the FSOG movie earlier this year. Like myself, I am sure that you are all too familiar with the controversy surrounding the release of this book series turned Hollywood cinema jackpot! Likewise, you might be wondering what is the 'big deal'. Now, I myself have not read the books nor have I seen the movie; however, I do know the story line and had plans to see the movie until my heart on the matter was changed. With the view of sex in our culture today being what it is, I find it very disheartening that so many individuals do not see where the trouble lies. So how do we start to change how our society views sexual intimacy today? Let me ask...do you think there is a difference between sex and intimacy? When were you introduced to the topic of sex? Perhaps, the topic of sex in your household was more 'hush-hush' than others; maybe your first encounter with the topic of sex was during sex-ed in grade school. Either way, do you think these encounters prepared you for what was to come later in life? I myself grew up in a household where anything was up for discussion, but did this mean that I knew the difference between sex and intimacy...no.

A Gift From Above

  As Christians, we tend to focus so much of our energy on what He says NOT to do that we have forgotten what God says we CAN do when it comes to sexual intimacy! As I write this, I think of how this applies to parenting as well; I have four children under the age of 11 and I can recall several times that I have said "No". I can probably recall them more than the times I've said "Yes"...but in that way I love God's grace in our lives and how He uses the Holy Spirit to guide us as He teaches us what to say 'Yes and No' to through His word:

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable ~ 1 Thessalonian 4:3-4

  When we act in the flesh and give into sexual immorality, what was built to be God's protection becomes God's anger. Couples often use the word 'sex' and 'intimacy' interchangeably, but they are distinctly different. Sex is simply the act of intercourse; the physical gratification of enjoying a good sexual experience and orgasm with your spouse...I liken it to 'the quickie'. Intimacy is a whole other ballgame - a deeper emotional connection with your spouse...I personally enjoy the latter because naturally as women we are more emotional beings seeking that personal interaction. What an amazing GIFT! Can you believe that God created this for US?!

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. ~ Hebrew 13:4

When you have questions about what is allowed in the marriage bed, consider this:

• Has God said "No"?
• Sodomy, Adultery, Bestiality etc.
• Is this 'Good/Beneficial' to us?
• Paul's letter to Corinth (1 Corinthian 7)
• Is it 'Only' us?
• Pure, Safest Place ~ Guard your Marriage

Marriage Brings Us to Jesus

  As humans, we require four basic needs to be satisfied: acceptance, identity, security and purpose; however, in Jesus we have it all! Our need to be accepted, our identity in Christ, our need for significance can be found in His word:

Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." ~ John 6:35

  Marriage DOES bring us to Jesus! My husband and I were both raised in the faith and had been saved, yet our lives as Active Duty Soldiers had taken us away from our home churches in Texas and Puerto Rico. When we married, I was the mother of three children under the age of 6 and he had never been married nor had children of his own; neither did we consider the culture difference. The moment I saw how he took to my children, I fell in love! Little did we know that for the next 2 years we would be fighting for our marriage. Just the other night we were discussing our journey together and neither of us could recall how it was we found our church home in Virginia BUT we could definitely recall how God moved in our marriage! I carried such a hardened heart toward my husband, not by any fault of his own; my previous marriage of 10 years left quite an impression on my heart. My pride, my instinct to protect my heart from further damage kept me from truly enjoying the man that He sent into my life. It was only by God's grace that my heart was softened and I began to love fully this blessing of a husband and father that was put into our life at such a critical time. Whether you have been saved for 20 years or 20 minutes, in our flesh we are sinners and oftentimes we wander off the beaten path but we are NEVER without the Holy Spirit in us for Romans 8:11 says:

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead in living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

Marriage Brings Us to Maturity

  We cannot be happily married while remaining immature and selfish; that should be a given, right?! You would think so, but like I said before...in our flesh we are selfish human beings and must ask for God's mercy and grace on a daily basis. Oftentimes, early in marriage we are trying to find our niche and it might be hard to view our spouse as a partner which can cause us to be selfish. I didn't think much about how my actions would affect my husband early in our marriage, as I look back on our marriage I see where I was immature and selfish. I am so grateful that my husband, being a man of faith, was constantly praying over our marriage and specifically my actions. We jokingly say that God is given all the glory in our marriage because anyone in their right mind would have bailed and we always get a chuckle but it's the truth! God was doing a work in my heart, as much as I may have tried to keep my pride He showed me where I needed to change. 

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. ~ Colossians 3:18-19

  Through His word and close friendships, I began to model kindness and wounds began to heal in our marriage. Kindness will heal!! Marriage is a covenant, each person gives up their rights and responsibilities to join in a union where both spouses are fully responsible for the marriage. Marriage is not a contract, this is not a brand new car that you can trade in when it stops working for you.

“A man doesn’t own his marriage; he is only the steward of his wife’s love.”  ~ Edwin Louis Cole (Ed Cole)

No one said marriage was easy, thanks to Adam and Eve nothing in this life will ever be easy...BUT I'm not so sure that I would want to have my life as it was in the Garden before Eve took the apple and betrayed God's word. Marriage was designed by God and your spouse is a blessing, it is not something that we should take for granted nor treat without respect.